Ask for Answers
by munchkinjenny05
Summary: AU-Katie won't cry, Effy doesn't talk and neither of them sleep. It's the text book definition of dysfunction, but she won't leave despite never being asked to stay, because she's already accepted the way things are. They don't change, and therefore the last thing Katie expects is for the other girl to take her somewhere one night and do exactly that, open up and reveal her truth.


**A/N: I'm a little rusty writing Keffy so I suppose it's no surprise that my mind automatically went to the AU place. Honestly I have no idea what this is; all I know is that it wasn't what I had in mind when I came up with the original idea. I'm not sure if this differing interpretation is a good or bad thing, but it poured out of me so quickly that it seemed rude to ignore the writer feels. **

Emily told her once that you couldn't save someone, you could only love them. In hindsight she knew that the younger twin was talking about Naomi, of course, but at the time she hadn't worked out any of the secrets that filled her sister's head and so Katie just filed it away, dismissing the words as more flowery nonsense. It wasn't until Effy appeared that she recalled them again, realising that maybe the actions could be one and the same, as closely intertwined as their bodies became. _No telling where one ended and the other began. _

That first night reminded her of the sentiments again, just in case she was on the verge of forgetting. Not that she had. She was consumed by the idea of rescue. It drove her on, through every barrier. It made her strong enough to carry on and stopped her giving in. In those early days she clutched the words to her chest, reciting them with every glimpse of Elizabeth Stonem she was determined to prove Emily wrong.

She shouldn't have been there, in the other girl's room but there was something about the way the last of the light caressed her face that informed Katie that she wouldn't leave even if the moonlight disarmed her and Effy both. _Secretly deep inside she was hoping for that. _Bad things could be found in shadow, but the most accurate truths resided there too and the girl had things she needed to know.

"It must have been a big cat that got your tongue, to keep it so long." She was buzzed and being stupid, successfully trivialising the only thing the essence of the stranger in a single sentence. Katie might as well have called the girl's struggle a sponsored silence. Inwardly she cursed herself, but all the same, her addled mind, lost in a haze of fragrant smoke pictured a long sleek black panther with eyes the colour of liquid fire. Both girls exhaled with a shudder, the only sounds happening in unison. Katie took it as a sign and she wasn't alone in that because _t_he pillar of silence reached out and kissed her just once. Her mouth tasted like Southern Comfort without the lemonade or JD without the coke, there was nothing to undercut the harshness. _No sweet to take away the bitter. _

Even now, that analogy remains the most apt description of being with Effy. It still rings so true, too true to bear almost, despite the fact that Katie is used to the lack of conversation and sleep, all the spaces they go that reek of stale smoke and the cheap booze which runs through their veins, fuelling them, a substitute for genuine energy. She hides behind her apathy and kisses that taste like drugs but she can't be concealed from the dark eyes that pierce, looking _through_ instead of at. Thus reality stings like that first taste, as does the knowledge that the connection she wants so desperately only comes when Effy seeks temporary escape, either from what Katie says or what she knows. The mute girl uses her tongue to close over the exposed nerves that the other has prodded, deliberately or unwittingly, and so, Katie is quietened too. Still she tries, because what is also true is that the girl hides from herself above all else, and watching that retreat makes Katie ache each and every time. Unfortunately though she spots the unwelcome truth of their situation in the abandon with which Effy dances, her stares, catching it in the way that her throat never constricts nervously no matter what pills line her palm.

It looked like fearlessness to begin with, but really it was always the opposite. _Everything about that girl screams I'm lost and afraid and I give in. _Time clued her in, but by then, she was too invested to run. Therefore, she always stays and nightly her arms wrap around. She provides shelter, she becomes Effy's island. Katie holds and she whispers, steeling herself, _both of them_, against the harsh sounds which reveal another fact. There's nothing wrong with her girlfriend's vocal cords, no physical reason why she doesn't talk. It surprised her at first, the strength of those screams, but not anymore, even though sometimes they travel with Katie, invading her own dreams on the rare occasions when she actually has them. It becomes a conscious choice, a deliberate act, to close her eyes or keep them open. Most nights the other girl makes it for her, and she resumes her role, a human dream catcher lying in the tangled sheets. Sometimes she reads aloud from the book of children's fairytales, the only novel the Stonem's seem to possess and she strokes Effy's hair, learning a great many things from those gestures.

Everybody notices the shadows of exhaustion of her face and some, her mother namely, comment. She doesn't care. It's almost good. Her and Effy match. The dark smudges are another battle scar. When she is away, Katie can see the appeal of not saying a word. They all interfere, talking loud without listening. Nobody realises that sleeplessness isn't a sacrifice she has made solely for Effy, because they are clueless to the fact that she is no stranger to irregular sleep patterns. It was her secret long before Emily had any. Katie Fitch and insomnia are old friends and the mute brunette isn't the only girl who has nightmares. She doesn't say this, not bothered to wait for her turn to speak. She'd just be parroting the same old phrases anyway, words recycled and useless. Around her family, it feels like her vocabulary is limited to the same thousand words. She's stuck like an old record. It strikes her as funny, ironic, that when she's with Effy, be in her room or anywhere else that the opposite applies. She doesn't limit herself to speaking for two, spouting enough inane chitchat for 5 or even 6 people. _Endless word vomit. _

The other girl kisses her harder then, touches her more frequently until her fingertips switch the conversation. Frivolous words become moans, breathy gasps and muscle spasms. Katie feels better. "I wish you'd say my name or let me hear what your laughter sounds like." The only answer is a sorrowful blink. She expects nothing else. Her throat cracks, still full of the taste of the brunette lying languidly at her side, it is a lesson in unfairness. In some ways she is given so much, and yet, in other's nothing at all. "I want to know you, the real you, not just what turns you on."

There is anger behind the resignation, fury that always stops short of boiling over. Katie refuses to scream at blankness, she isn't pathetic enough to beat her fists at a brick wall. Instead, she scratches, clawing and biting. Such displays were rare but they are increasing daily it seems and Effy wears the marks today. She doesn't know how to say sorry or if she even wants to. Katie hates that she feels guilty for each bruise and the eternal question rages. _Is any of this deserved? _Her eyes burn, it's a close as she ever gets. Her body starts to tremble though, so she moves away, as far as she can go without actually leaving. Her naked body drapes over the window ledge, illuminated by the same crescent moon that tried to warn her a lifetime ago. Katie lights a cigarette, gets momentarily lost in it, then remembers that it was the girl waiting in bed who taught her how to smoke. The memory brings a smile to her face, she backtracks, and finally lights another from the safety of the blankets. Passing the spare to Effy signals a truce. The other girl blows a perfect smoke ring and nods. Her tentative smile is an acceptance.

"You know, don't you?" Katie's hand is squeezed in affirmation. She is about to pick up the book; let her eyes retrace the pages that she has already memorised, when Effy flings back the sheet. "Thirsty?" She asks, glancing at the dregs of the forgotten tequila bottle. Rationally, there can be no other reason for such purposeful movement. However, Effy shakes her head and shrugs on her clothes. Katie is stunned and the fact that the girl pulls on her boots too strikes her as odd, but she bides her time, not yet curious enough to waste the syllables on a question. It's only when her own clothes are thrown towards her that she changes her mind. "Where are we going?" The pointless remark is countered with a gentle incline of the head as predicted.

The impatient figure motions towards the door and Katie slowly follows like a child on a scavenger hunt. Once they hit the street, Katie feels her hand enveloped another by a small gloved one. Effy's fingers are free, infinitely colder than the night air but she doesn't shy away from the tight grip, she can feel the tension flowing from the other body into hers and thus anchorage of some kind is necessary. She can't let the girl she loves float away. She keeps pace, determined, irrespective of her punishing heels and the weariness of her limbs. Eventually Katie loses track of how far they have gone but she lets go of the uncertainty. Mapping this journey in her mind will only exhaust her more, beside which, it doesn't really matter about the number of distinct twists and turns they make. Effy is the constant, she trusts that the girl knows where they are headed. It's enough, its calmness.

Regrettably, awareness dawns as the gates loom. "What the hell, Ef', is this your idea of a joke?" She rolls her eyes. Only Effy Stonem would bring her to a place like this, at 3am, in her favourite heels, with Halloween still months away. "I'm not going in there!" Katie is resolute. She likes surprises as much as the next person, especially ones that bring her girlfriend (is that's what she is) to life, but Cemeteries don't figure highly on her list of preferred night-time haunts. She'd rather be in a club, or better yet, in the other girl's bed where they never needed words at all.

There's no music, no lights, it isn't a party. She sighs, her worst fears bubbling up. "Look, I don't get it, so I'm not doing it." Her tone is pouty and stubborn but she doesn't relent. She counts the seconds instead, expecting Effy to pull out an Ouija board or a camcorder or something, there's nothing of the sort, no tricks, only the insistent tug on her arm. "No!" She repeats angrily, though, even as she says it Katie begins to swallow it down. The brunette's eyes shine with tears or moonlight, it's impossible to tell. Nevertheless, whatever is driving her, the smaller girl has never seen the other more animated that she is right now, standing in front of her, already mounting the gate posts. Whether it's that unsubtle shift in demeanour or blind love that compels her to throw off her shoes and climb, she doesn't know. Not that the end result is any different regardless. _So whipped. _Luckily it's an easy up and over and Katie has snuck out of her bedroom enough times for it to be almost effortless.Although it's her idea, or maybe because it is, Effy struggles more, her frail body seeming incapable of carrying her. Katie helps her along unthinkingly and it's only afterwards that it occurs to her how laughable the scenario is, once they are over and she doesn't have to contend with the very real danger of broken bones.

"So, now what?" She whispers, as if disturbing the residents is something that either of them are likely to do. She's frozen, torn between backwards or forwards and Effy's face is hidden behind her hair giving her less clues to work with than usual. _I'm truly in the dark. _It doesn't help that the slender figure unnervingly resembles a ghost. "Come on, it's freezing and I'm shoeless, stop fucking about, left or right?" Katie Fitch's famous temper is on an even shorter fuse, frayed by the unusual pilgrimage and her resentments at herself for being so compliant. Until everything changes instantly.

She hears a sound that could be a ragged exhalation, a sniff or a sob. Her annoyance fades, replaced by anxiety. Katie doesn't hesitate to race to the other girl's side and put her arm around her, although it doesn't alter her viewpoint; she hopes that it grants Effy some measure of consolation. _We shouldn't be here._ Unfortunately there is nowhere else to go but onwards, the grip on her hand guarantees that and as soon as the path swings to the left they pursue it unflinchingly. She can't speak for Effy (things would be simpler if she could) but Katie's heart is in her mouth. "What are we doing here, Effy?" For once, she isn't sure she wants a reply.

Speculation hurts and she doesn't want to do it, but her brain won't shut off, adamant that she needs to be prepared for whatever comes. One thing is certain, this isn't a joke. Effy stops abruptly. Katie manages to avoid a collision with quick reflexes but they don't help her with the scare factor. She jumps, she isn't ready, and she wants to go back. Nothing good can come of visiting graves at night.

"I wanted you meet my brother, Tony." Every hair on Katie's body stands up as she hears that longed for voice.

In a split second it's like they've switched, because in a role reversal, Katie Fitch is speechless. Her tongue feels useless, her throat closed, and it seems impossible that any words can break through. "Oh." It's the only thing that comes out. A million questions race through her mind but she can't voice any of them.

Finally, her mind kicks into action and constructs the timeline, her heart sinking when she discovers that everything fits. She doesn't want any of this to be true, but the maths is undeniable. _It's been 2 years. _She can't breathe and she wonders how Effy is still standing. Katie is riveted to that stone, the flowers that crowd it; they're Effy's favourite, purple Hyacinths. Such a simple fact shouldn't make her eyes burn again, but it does, speaking volumes even if the girl doesn't have her sister's vast familiarity of the language of flowers. She chokes, wanting to find something comforting to utter. Words fail her. In place of any actual sentences, a single teardrop rolls down her cheek. She notices Effy from the corner of her eye as the girl moves to brush the evidence of sorrow away with her thumb. Katie speaks in gestures, shaking her head quickly. _Let it fall, _her body sighs.


End file.
